If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
This is my pinned tweet
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
That’s easy for you to say
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.