If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]