If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how