Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.