Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Start the year as you intend to continue.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.