Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.