Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

This is painfully accurate 😅

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium