Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.