Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind