Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Always.

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did… did they arrest the mountain lions

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.