If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa