Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care