If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

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Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…


Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.


I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off


[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]


BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.



Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time


Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.


The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.