If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything