If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“No way.” -Jose
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat