If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.