If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
(yawn)
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers