If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Holy crap this is wonderful
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.