If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
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I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Holy moly
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart