If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again