If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.