Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Warm pools make me nervous.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

NASA has no chill

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.