If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit