Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Just how popey was the pope today?

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.