Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…