If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
honey, bring out the fine china.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
