If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I used to be married, but I’m better now
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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OMG DAD WAT?
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