If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers