Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards