@adamgreattweet

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

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@Pro_Jones_

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

@JohnLyonTweets

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@LeviathanPride

Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?

@ol_boo

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

@mack44_d

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@EricGoldie

I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.

@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards