If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.