If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I can also cook 😂
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin