If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
You Might Also Like
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Science memes
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.