If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Happy Halloween 🎃
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]