Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Why soy sad?

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.