Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

These work great until they don’t.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here