If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Hero horse inspires millions
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.