Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Not all heroes wear capes…

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.