Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

nobody’s gonna understand

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.