if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
accurate
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Cinematography is my passion
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman