Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Bless you

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.