If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
😍😂🥰😂😍
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.