If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m not lazy
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway