If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
You Might Also Like
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My what?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Just why bro?!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Krampus.
