if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.