if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The pasta is now
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Just as the prophecy foretold
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.