if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food