If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Did my cat write this
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Tell the colonel to bring it
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?