If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
