If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Not my job 😂
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Squirrels before girls.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
inventing words: clothing
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.