Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.