Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….
Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix