If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Denise please return my vape pen
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.