@LindseyEllison2

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

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@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

@rolldiggity

Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@prufrockluvsong

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

@turtledumplin

My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund

@Cpin42

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

@TheOnion

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

@bonehugsnirony

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

@lmegordon

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix