If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.


If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name


Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.


her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side


Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*


My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund


If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide


Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been


[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*


My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix