Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

the duality of man

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.