Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Oh yeah that’s it

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature