Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.