If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed