If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
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My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
(Musicians.)
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.