If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
You Might Also Like
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
President The Rock Obama
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.