If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Woke up against my better judgement again
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.