if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Bruh
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE