Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Breaking news:

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

No regrets in 2018

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.