The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
This kid is going places
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Bread puns are on the rise!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.