Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I feel this so hard

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

this year felt like being awake during surgery

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times