If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.