Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Wise advice

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up