If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem


So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.


“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.


Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds


MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport


[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game


Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.


The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League