@HeIsMaxBarth

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

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@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

@earthfalcon33

PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm

@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

@ericsshadow

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

@leontymccarthy

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.