My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as “exhibit A”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.