*pile of dishes in the sink*
*laundry hamper overflowing*
*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*
*toys scattered across the house*
Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me
Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up like get off the ride
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.