If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
cats when you pet them too long:
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
🤣dope
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop