If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

You Might Also Like


*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*


You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.


My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”


Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me

Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up like get off the ride


me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin


PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever


No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”


coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys


Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”


“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.