Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest