If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
😂😂
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.