If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
There are no pants in heaven.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.