If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.