If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
never ask a starfish for directions
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances