Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

🏠

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

never ask a starfish for directions

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.